Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
