I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
