Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
