nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
