Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
