if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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