If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
