I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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