I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
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We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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