i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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