tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
