now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
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