I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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