In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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