My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
