there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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