Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
