the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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