Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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