I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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