i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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