I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
