you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
