Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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