I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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