You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
