I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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