Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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