from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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