I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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