That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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