I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
