Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
