$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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