Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
