I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
