I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
