If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
