Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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