I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
