I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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