Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
