You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
