i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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