singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
