Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
