The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
