Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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