so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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