Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so that wasnt chicken after all
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
