Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
