So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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