can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
