i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I smell stomach acid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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