Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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