well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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