Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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